Back to work! (long post)

Monday, yesterday, was my first day back to work. I have been back to work 2 days now. I've been chomping at the bit for a while now to get back into my regular life routine. I'd been off of work for 12 weeks. I hadn't really planned to be off that long, that's just sort of how it worked out. We'd saved money for me to be off because while my company allows me to take off 12 weeks as "maternity leave", it is unpaid. You use your benefit time that you have accrued (vacation and sick) and then it's time off without pay. However, we had only saved about 8 weeks worth of pay----ouch!

Being off hadn't really been the "sweet" time that I had envisioned. I had so been looking forward to the day that we could bring Tabitha home. This whole adoption process had been one big and long roller coaster ride and I wanted to be with my baby girl! We decided to go to Guatemala early (before our pink had come) in order to be with Tabitha--I was worried about her because she had had poor weight gain---my pediatrician actually labelled Tabitha as "failure to thrive". I'm a nurse, and I was a pediatric nurse for 16 years before switching to adult patient care. I know that "failure to thrive" is not a good thing. Those babies have poor weight gain because they are either sick or are simply not being fed enough calories. I feel Tabitha is the latter. Failure to thrive babies often have problems with attachment. Tabitha I do believe has bonded and attached with us, but I do note that she is bonded better with Daddy. Perhaps there was a problem with the foster mom and her attachment or maybe Tabitha has been grieving for her foster mom and therefore hasn't bonded as well with me.

I have to confess that there had been times while I was off on leave that I really wondered if I was a good mom, because I wanted to get back to work. I had said before, that I had wanted to be a stay at home mom. I changed my mind! I admire those moms who do stay at home, but it's not for me. I guess I had pictured a "perfect" life like you see in movies, TV programs or read about....well, let me tell you, it's no perfect life here. Tabitha is a beautiful sweet child until it comes time for eating or going to bed. She has some real eating hangups. Mind you, she has come a long, long way since we came home. She does not like to eat though. It is a major ordeal to get her to eat and she doesn't like to drink more than a few ounces of milk. So, I'm guessing that she had these behaviors with the foster mom as well, and fm didn't push her to eat....which explains why Tabitha only weighed 14lb 12 ounces when we got her. I must say that she was up to 17lb 2 ounces when she went to the pediatrician.

I didn't talk about my feelings of inadequacy and doubting my mothering skills for a long time....I guess that I was afraid to, or actually I was embarrassed to admit that I was actually somewhat depressed! I felt like, "hey I should be over the moon happy because I had what I had longed to have for so long--my baby was home!" But I wasn't. I felt like after all of the hype and build up to getting her home that well, I should be happier. I went out to lunch with a friend though a few weeks back and she began to share with me how she felt after adopting her first child. She said that she actually felt at times like maybe they had made a mistake.....WOW! I'm not the only one who's had thoughts like that! It felt so good to actually talk to someone about how I was feeling. I had once said to my mother that I felt like I had "post partum depression". You know, I wasn't far off in that line of thinking, there is actually a condition called post adoption depression. From what I've read about it, it is very common and more adoptive mothers have it than you think about. People often think that since we adopted a child and really planned for it that we SHOULD be happy all of the time. You know, we CHOSE to become parents, it wasn't like an "accident" that happened in the back seat of a car.

I am glad to say that my depression lifted and I do think that I did NOT make a mistake adopting Tabitha. Despite the fact that I had been "chomping at the bit" to get back to work, I cried yesterday when I left Tabitha at daycare. Tabitha, she could have cared less, there were people to give her attention, toys to play with- she didn't shed a tear. Ms. Tabitha does have to adjust to the daycare routine though. For the two days that she's been going to daycare, she hasn't wanted to take a nap---guess she's afraid she'll miss something! I do hope that changes soon because she's one crabby little girl by the time bedtime rolls around!

Thank you all for reading my blog, it's a place for me to vent and share with people that I hope will understand. Please leave your comments, I appreciate reading them.
I'll keep you posted on our adventures!